Sweet Thing

Once, early in my evening career
I went down the stairs to the fridge in the garage and got my self a beer
I drank it down and with a burp to keep
promptly wandered over to my pillowed couch and quickly fell asleep
my wife called out
maybe more of a shout
telling me with no doubt the shit I was in was deep

the hour was early and so was her rage
she could really get ornery for a woman of good looks and of such a delightful age
since the nap I was in was severe
there wasn't any possible way that I was going to start to hear
so she threw a pot
and of pans, a lot
I had no idea that a cookbook of kitchenware was piling up against me so near

Apparently I snorted
and then to a wet washrag and a snapping wrist she resorted
the neighbors tell of her warlike scream
but it wasn't enough to awaken me from my soaked in a 16 oz light beer dream
still on my leg
a welt like an egg
and a red spot that looks like the spot on Jupiter's side with a little extra gleam

I guess I turned over
exposing my posterior that sometime ago my brother nicknamed Rover
my wife approached, teeth bared
and bit me so deep in my bottom area that a lion hearing the story would be scared
still as I slept
even Jesus wept
as he forgave that woman and said that was a pain not even he had shared

when I finally awoke
from a dream of something sharp and hot that was giving me a poke
my wife was standing over me
a fireplace iron ready to strike me in my all of a sudden very tense knee
I said, "what?!!"
she said, "sot!"
"It was only one beer!" I cried, and then I realized I was not in any way pain-free

"Ouch!" I pouted
"Louse! pervert! drunkard! little man without a prayer!" she shouted
"I do so have a prayer
and right now I'm praying over that ugly spot on my leg right there
now what did you need?
I'm starting to bleed!"
"oh," she said, suddenly coy, "I'm going out and wondered if you could help me decide what to wear!"

Usually she's sweet
she's cute and wonderful and smells good and is adoringly petite
she can cook up a bear
and her hugs are unbelievably snug and heartwarmingly warm, I swear
but she gets upset
if she cannot get
the right color of skirt and blouse, to match her purse and her hair

sweet thing